My Mom

When I was roughly 10 years old one of the neighborhood moms called to me from her driveway as I meandered up and down the cracked sidewalk in front of our house in Kent. I was uncharacteristically on my own that day rather than trailing my older brother around or stealing off into the woods with the other neighborhood kids as was a typical afternoon for me.

I reluctantly stopped and leaned on my old red bike at the foot of her drive. I did not care for her. For some unexplainable reason she had always made me feel anxious and wary. She had three kids. One was a boy a little older then myself and the other two were girls a bit younger than I. We played together on occasion coming together naturally as neighborhood kids do on those long Summer days when everyone is outside until the street lights come on (mind you this was the 80s). Though I cannot say we were friends. Just kids in the same proximity and both with the same need for someone else to make the game or make-believe venture more fun.

That day though I was alone and stood warily waiting to see what – we’ll call her Mrs. Gunn – wanted. What she said was this, “Hey you. You aren’t allowed over here anymore. I’ve had three kids come to me to tell me you are using the “Eff” word. That’s despicable.” She snarled these words at me and waved me away like a fly. I remember standing stiff with shock and being annoyed that my lower lip was trembling a bit.

What? The “Eff” word? That was the biggie. I knew what it was because I’d heard my father often uttering a colorful string of words that included this one in the driveway under the car or in his shop. But I had never SAID it out loud! God would have heard me! In fact I was a rather quiet kid (at that time…) who said very little let alone the “Eff” word!

I remember finally getting back on my bike and peddling quickly away from Mrs. Gunn her wild eyed face still vivid. I tossed my bike on our driveway and galloped inside my house. My mother was in the kitchen and I went straight to her. It was then that those hot tears seeped out of my eyes and down my cheeks. I hiccupped my way through the terrible scene with Mrs. Gunn assuring her I’d never in a million billion millennia said THAT word and my mother listened with her arm around me. Now my mother was a quiet woman. Always around. Comfortable and soft. She had green eyes and curly hair. She colored with me a lot and her pages always looked so beautiful and brilliant.

After I finished telling her what had happened she patted my arm and walked to the phone hanging on the wall in the kitchen. I watched as she dialed a number and then delivered what I still remember to this day as the most awesome verbal takedown of anyone ever. Mrs. Gunn didn’t know who she was messing with. That was it. I have no idea what Mrs. Gunn said back but I know what my mom said. And her ferocity was a sight to behold.

Mrs. Gunn never said a word to me again after that day and in fact neither did her children much. I was content. Riding my red bike, playing with the other kids, and reading my books. And life moved on. But thirty-four years later I still remember how my mom had my back.

May is the month celebrating mothers. Those beautiful and gritty beings who at once are gentle and constant but also fierce and protective. Mothers will sacrifice their very selves for their children if they need to. There is nothing like the love of a mom.

In mid-April I had the privilege of “attending” the Virtual Heartbeat Conference put together by Heartbeat International – the most expansive network of pro-life pregnancy resource centers in the world. The event was to be held in Seattle which, for a small nonprofit with not a lot of funds – an absolute plus. Long story short it was scrapped – sort of. However, they decided their information was too valuable not to share. So they went virtual. And it worked. It was a fantastic experience and as a ‘first timer’ I was blown away by the sheer amount of prolife voices coming together. It was humbling. And to think I am one of them – yea.

Over the next few weeks or so I’ll try and share some of what I learned and what I hope to embed in our own center here in Lynnwood. One of the talks that made an impression I had not initially chosen to attend. And it was just chance I stumbled into the ‘workshop’. It was titled “Empowering the Single Mother” and it was presented by Shannon DeGarmo, author of a few books including “Ignite”, “Single Moms 101” and “The Bounce Back Woman”. Shannon’s talk centered on the inner workings of a single mom. What goes through their mind as they go about their day? The night? What thoughts occupy their waking and sleeping minds? How do those thoughts impact them as people and as mothers?And lastly how can we as people of faith who minister to the unborn, the unplanned, the alone – help?

I’ll start with some shared statistics that are as startling as they are heartbreaking. I looked up some as well and this hit pretty much up and down the board – these are from SingleMotherguide.com

80% of single parent homes are led by single mothers and a third of those live in poverty. That’s a big number.

4 out of 10 babies are born to unwed mothers and two thirds of those are born to moms under 30 years old.

13.9% graduated high school and 34% have a college degree. Those numbers by contrast are awfully small.

But even deeper than those numbers, for me, were the revelations about the psychological and neurological impacts on these girls.

In general, single parenting aside, only 2%-4% of women think they are beautiful and three-fourths of women with low self-esteem engage in negative behaviors.

The effects of low self-esteem are far-reaching and hard to break free from. Socially withdrawn, self-neglect, not trusting themselves, and an expectation of little or no improvement in life to name a few. We know this – as women, as mothers with daughters. The consequences of low self-esteem can be devastating in so many ways. So now picture those same negative thoughts running rampant through the mind of a young single mother.

A whopping 75% of single moms scored in the mildly depressed range. What can we do? Relationships matter. What we think of ourselves matter. What we think our children think of us matters. How can we help?

There were some beautiful verses that came to mind that touched on this –

‘Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.” – Matthew 10:29-31 NIV

“For I know the thought I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” – Jeremiah 29:11 NKJV

How can we live these words for those among us who are alone yet never alone? A child can fill in holes and bring light to her mother’s eyes but she is but a child demanding of her mother at all times.

The isolation of single parenting is profound. I can say that with much certainty as I was once a single parent myself. Happiness hinging on a child is an unrealistic burden. The realization you are not whole can make it hard to move forward.

You are not meant to do this on your own. We say that on our Next Step website. We are not meant to be alone. Now more than any other time in recent history has the ability to connect with others been so wholly needed and so wholly absent.

If you know a single parent – reach out.

If you are a single parent – reach out.

Peace be with you all

H Vasquez

“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.”― Anne Frank

On January 20^th, 2020 the United States confirmed its first case of the Coronavirus though it had actually been in our midst long before that.  On February 29^th, the United States confirms its first death and travel restrictions are set in place.

Fast forward to March 13^th, when President Trump declares a National State of Emergency. On March 15^th, the CDC recommends restrictions on gatherings over 50 people. On March 17^th, France locks down restricting arrivals and departures out of the country and on March 23^rd, Britain does the same. On March 27th, President Trump signs the $2 trillion dollar Coronavirus Stimulus bill and on March 30^th, states began enacting “Stay at Home” orders for the public.

It took just over two months for the virus (and the fear) to spread throughout our communities and grab hold placing a stranglehold on our economy, our livelihood, and our societal norms. And worse than that – the feeling that there is no end in sight continues to plague our daily lives.

So what can we do? As a society? A family? An individual? I’ll tell you – FIGHT.

This coming from a Supreme Allied Commander in Europe (1951-1952), Army Chief of Staff (1945-1948), Military Governor in Occupied Germany (1945). His military career spanned from 1915-1953 and more spanning two World Wars among others.

Pessimism; an inclination to emphasize adverse aspects, conditions, and possibilities or to expect the worst possible outcome. (Merriam-Webster)

In other words, without hope.

Sitting here in my little office at Next Step Pregnancy Services in the quiet afternoon, having seen a few moms come in for some essentials I wonder about Eisenhower’s sentiment and if we, or even just me, are fighting the fight or assuming the worst is yet to come. And I am happy to report – it is the latter.

From the donations coming in, to the tiny staff still opening our doors, to the letter my daughter wrote to a checker at our local grocery store thanking him for his work, to the laughter and excitement each morning as our whole school gathers for our daily Zoom Prayer and Pledge, to the neighbors gathering supplies to deliver to the homebound who have no help, from the long walks in the warm afternoon light with just our tiny family of three, to the endless board games and calls to Grandma. And finally to the Sunday morning live-stream of Mass  (in our pjs) and the knowledge that our fellow Christians are all gathered around their respective devices praying together, listening together, being together for the sacredness of the Mass. I guess I could go on but I think you get it.

This is not the end. For every lousy news clip or tragic soundbite or every bout of complaining and bashing of our leaders by our leaders, for every opinion shoved in our face, TP hoarding meme, and ultimatum sent our way, for every cancelled event and every missed opportunity – I say this is not the end.

Because we are still here and still fighting and still coming up with new ways to connect with each other, to help each other, to see each other. Not in person but in the writings and pictures, the stories of helping and looking out for one another. In creative lesson plans our teachers are coming up with, to the conversations we are having with our spouses and our children, to the prayers we are saying to each other and for each other, to the rooms we are finally cleaning, to the walks we are finally taking and finally to playing in the backyard with the old badminton set from a long ago Christmas. We’re still here and we will still be here long after this has passed. And I believe we will come out of this a better people. More attuned to what’s really important in our lives. Because that’s who we are. So is this virus a blessing or a curse? For some it’s a sad, hard time especially if someone you love has been lost or is ill. And we mourn with those people. For others it’s a time to gather close together as a family, to slow down, and really see each other. Light always makes its way out of darkness. In every story, every picture, every prayer. This time will be no different.

Every day we are bombarded with online news, opinions, “studies”, and op-eds. More often than not (depending on the source) they do not always match up to what we believe to be the truth. I can read an article titled like that above and shake my head and roll my eyes because as a pregnancy center staffer, I know. But the reality is that not everyone ‘knows’ and sometimes these articles plant seeds of doubt in an otherwise reasonable common sense adult.

I recently read an article from on line spot called vox.com (a Vox Media bit). The title jumped out at me as they are wont to do so I decided to take a look. The title was “What Crisis Pregnancy Centers Really Do.” (A. North 3/2/2020) Well ok then – what is it A. North thinks we do. I dove in.

“The facilities primary mission is to dissuade women from choosing abortion.” (Katrina Kimport, associate professor at Advancing New Standards in Reproductive Health). Strictly speaking that is in part our primary mission, yes. To attempt to change an abortion-vulnerable women’s mind before she makes a choice that ends the life of her child. That is no secret no matter how much they want to claim these centers are deceiving women.

“These centers, most which are religiously affiliated, typically offer services like pregnancy tests” (check), “and sometimes resources like diapers or baby clothes” (check and check) “alongside counseling with an anti-abortion message”. (semi…check). Our staff advocates and nurses do counsel women about the options they have, including abortion, adoption, and parenting as well as all the ways they can overcome whatever obstacles may be swaying their decisions. What our advocates and nurses do not do is pressure women down paths they do not want. We listen, encourage, share, and inform. We listen to their stories, their hopes, their worries about what having a baby may mean. We encourage them to talk and truly consider what lies ahead. We share our own stories of parenthood, pregnancy, abortion, and recovery. We inform them of what abortion is and entails fact by fact.

“Patients can still receive misinformation, and their practices often fall short of accepted medical standards”, (Samantha Wohlfeil, Inlander, February 13th, 2020). Contrary to what a lot of these articles claim a lot of pregnancy centers, like Next Step, do have actual qualified advocates as well as actual qualified registered nurses and RDMSs (Registered Diagnostic Medical Sonographers) who perform actual medical pregnancy tests and medically licensed, early obstetric ultrasounds. We have a medical director who reviews every medical case. Licensed non-profit medical clinics, although 501(c)3 exempt, are still legally and ethically bound to obtain licensed medical personnel, liability and medical insurance as well work with a accredited organizations such as NIFLA (National Institute of Family and Life Advocates) as an approved continuing education provider.

About the only thing in the article I could really get behind was that “centers did provide for the respondent a place where their desire to have a child was supported and encouraged.” Well, yes. Yes it is. “That’s significant because low-income women, especially women of color, are sometimes actively discouraged from having children, including by their health care providers.” (K. Kimport)

Bottom line pregnancy centers cannot take the place of full service medical centers and counselling services. These centers cannot always provide absolutely everything a growing family needs or everything a young woman facing an unplanned pregnancy needs. And that’s no secret. But what we can provide is a welcoming, non judgemental, compassionate atmosphere where women can be honest and protected, listened to and not pressured. Given the facts, questions answered, get accurate pregnancy testing, early OB ultrasounds and, medical records to prove pregnancy. Baby clothes and supplies, diapers and formula, toys, books, medical insurance assistance, housing and food bank resources, parenting information, adoption information, and – if asked – prayer.

That’s what we really do.

Questions about our client site?

Next Step’s mission is now and has always been to uphold the sanctity of all life born and unborn. With that in mind we offer ourselves and our resources to women, girls, and families facing planned and unplanned pregnancies.

To be listeners, to counsel, to provide a safe space, to share up to date and factual information on all pregnancy options including parenting, adoption and abortion. We are here to serve our clients in whatever way we can to work toward good outcomes for mother and child.

Whatever obstacles our clients face, we are here to help them work through them. With our professional medical staff we can provide a certain answer to whether or not she is pregnant. We can provide an early OB ultrasound to see his/her progress. We can provide a layette, baby clothes and supplies, formula, diapers, books and furniture. We can provide help in filling out paperwork for WIC coverage and other prenatal and further medical coverage. We can provide resources for housing, education, food, classes, and counselling. We can get her in touch with our partner Bethany Christian Adoption agency if that is the best fit.

We can be there for her and her family with compassion, patience, knowledge and encouragement. That’s Next Step.

Our Client Site is designed to share non-judgmental information and details on the free services we offer. Abortion is an option for some mothers but not one we perform, pre-screen for or refer. But we want to encourage our clients to come to us for real information and real solutions. So we can and do discuss abortion and its procedures and effects. It’s out there and can’t be ignored. We want our clients to come to us so we can share in the good news and serve. Ultimately whatever our clients decide is theirs alone and sometimes though we may give the news of a positive pregnancy test and even an ultrasound we do not know the outcomes. But the bottom line is we’re here to serve with compassion and honesty in what ways we can.

Thank you – Heather Vasquez (3/4/2020)